she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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