pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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