I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
