you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
