you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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