evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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