There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
