Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
