Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
