Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
