Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
