so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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