you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
