she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
