theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A+ Viking dick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
