I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
