You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
