Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
