nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
