i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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