grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
