Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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