life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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