I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My dick has a subreddit
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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