I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
