I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
