yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
