U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
