you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
