What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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