Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Text me some of your sweat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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