I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
