Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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