Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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