how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
