even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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