In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
