wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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