the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
