Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
