I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
