Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
