My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
