I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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