I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
