She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
bring money and cleavage
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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