What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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