Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
