she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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