in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
