my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
