so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
